If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get

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August 19, 2021

Women often seem to have a hard time asking for what they want. It’s so much easier to ask if it’s for someone else. It’s as if asking for something for ourselves is being greedy, needy, or wanting more than we deserve. I’ve also noticed that women who do have the courage to speak up are often judged as pushy — thus giving us a compelling reason not to ask so we won’t be harshly judged.

What a vicious cycle this is. My wise grandmother used to say, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” This may not always be exactly true, but I’ve found it mostly is. “Ask and ye shall receive,” so the bible tells us. There must be something to this.

Ask with an open heart

There is also the option of asking and then not being so attached to how, or even if or when, we receive. Someone saying no is not a rejection of us. It may turn out that what we want or need doesn’t appear immediately, or someone unexpected could be the giver. But if we don’t ask, how can the universe, or anyone else, conspire to help us?

I have had to overcome a lifelong pattern of thinking that I have to do everything myself. I’ve always felt that somehow I should be able to figure everything out and that I don’t deserve what I receive if it’s simply given to me. What a tiresome belief that is!

Giving is as good as getting

I’ve learned that people really want to help. Giving makes us feel good. It’s important to recognize that giving and receiving are on the same energy wavelength. And if we are to get good at one, we have to give equal duty to the other. Saying yes to another’s request is priming us to be receivers ourselves. (But we still have to ask!)

Look around and consider what you could be asking for help with. When you run into a snafu or obstacle, ask “Who could help me with this?” If you’re like me, learning to ask may take some practice. But I encourage you to do it. Knowing when and how to ask for what we need is an essential life skill! 

Practice makes perfect

Every morning I have a practice of getting quiet and asking myself what am I grateful for. What am I feeling? What do I need? And what do I want? In that order. Now I have added to my practice by asking Where could I use support? Who could help me? Being clear about where we are and what we want or need makes it a little easier to express what we need or want when the time presents itself.

And another question I’ve added to my morning check-in is: Who could I help? Practice asking for small things first and work your way up to the big stuff. And find ways you can offer support to others. So let me know how I can help you!

Your partner in being your most Gorgeously Healthy self,


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